Friday, January 20, 2012

Pants on Fire

  Ok, so I lied. There will be no pictures just yet. I'm mean, busy...and I haven't gotten around to it.  But I am here, as promised, blogging to my now 19 dedicated fans.
  It's hard for me to slow my thinking long enough to focus on what to say. I mean, I am TOTALLY freaking out right now. I'm done with work tomorrow, and I leave in 11 freaking days. Just staring at that sentence makes my heart pound and my breath hard to come by.  E...LEV...EN... FREAK...ING... DAYS! And something like 21 hours in the air, of course. Oh my god, there goes my breath again. I try so hard not to think about the flight, but I get a mild panic attack just thinking about getting on a plane to say, Wisconsin or Florida...or Vegas even, which is why I rarely if ever fly. And now I'm gonna be stuck in a plane flying over the freaking ocean with flight attendants who according to the reviews online may not even speak English, for almost an entire 2 days (when you add in the layovers)!!! TWO FREAKING DAYS...ON OR NEAR A PLANE. Thank God for Vallium.
  The goodbye thing is kind of wierding me out, too.  I didn't think it would be hard to leave work, that's for sure. I have friends there, of course, but I'm not really super close with anyone anywhere (other than my grandma) so I didn't think it would be hard to say goodbye, especially for just six months. But people seemed to think I'd be coming back, and now that they are asking, they seem to be shocked that my answer is no. For anyone reading this who is unaware, I have been working at a strip club as the doorgirl (hostess, not bouncer) for the past seven years. And I've pretty much hated it for the past three.  It's just really hard to deal with drunk people five days a week for eight hours a night for seven years. Regardless, the club has been my family out here for a long time. We've had our ups and downs, but like any good dysfunctional family, you fight, you cry, you drink, you love.  And though I'll be back in 6 months, I don't plan to stay in California long and I definitely don't plan to take my job back, so yeah...this is kinda goodbye and that is kinda sad.
  And then there's Norm. He told me the other day he hadn't read my blog yet, and that, "I'll read it when I'm ready." It sounded so sad when he said it, it really stuck with me. I've loved him for a really long time, and I've never doubted that he loves me.  I feel really grateful that he chooses to spend the last of my time here together, even if he is a cranky butthead about it. I don't blame him, I'm just grateful.  Much like leaving the club, Norm knows now that when I do come home, I probably won't be in California long, and that this is kinda our goodbye, too. I try to keep an open mind. Maybe when I find myself, I'll find that he really is my forever. But Norm is afraid I will find my forever out there in the world, and even as much as he loves me and as much as I love him, I am really hoping that the world will be my forever.
  But don't fret, my dear followers! Even all the sappy goodbyes and paralyzing panic attacks can't keep me down! I am on my way to adventures unknown, and I intend to drag you all along every step of the way! Woohooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Only eleven freaking days!

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